Eh.

Is it possible to live an entire life at least a 4 year relationship with someone in your mind? I sit and think about Alyson. I don't know why, i didn't know her at all, but it seems in my mind she and i dated for years. I use it to escape reality; I imagine that i am her boyfriend and that she loves me. Deathcab comes to mind, she was my savior in many ways even though she will never know it. She pitied me in a benevolent way, as i looked up to her from the cold tile floor and the sunlight danced with the clouds purposely shining on her making her look like an apparition. Something so little i sure she doesn't remember; but to me that was a key point in my life. She showed me that there is some good in the world and not just greed and self absorption. Although she ran back to her friends she took a moment out of her life to console me. I always was searching for a person like that, at least she is what i think i was looking for, although it might be an illusion of my mind. True beauty is something hard to find, both inside and out. i have seen it and i can tell when someone has it. She had it, do you? I have enclosed some pics of people who were willing to pose who have the inner light. I hope as my friend Sinn once pointed out that when the end of this world comes the light will shine and those with it shall don their wings.
If you hold the beauty i can sense it. And i know you will go to Nirvana.

It seems as if there is nothing new in my life. Like a constant viewing of Deja Vu. No pleasant surprises apart from the sheer coincidence of chance or fate. I have heard every word spoken to me, it is all stale in my ears and exits their mouths like rancid stale breath of a corpse. With myself being an Undertaker's Apprentice I know all too well what that smells like. What sort of life is lived through boredom; it cause the necessity of eccentricity, so to get even a little flavor i have to resort to the ridiculous.

The only thing i find is consistently refreshing is the different kinds of people; they are all slightly or massively different. But i know that if i live long enough even they will become normal to me and there will be nothing new to expect. This sounds like and breeds apathy. Even now the most interesting in my life is something of my own creation. Wondering about myself becoming a father; it is too late to change anything we will just have to wait and see.

Sitting here,annoyed by the world, jealous of true beauty and despising those who flaunt false beauty proudly. True beauty cannot be taken away, it is something that comes from within; False beauty is something that can be destroyed with a bit of water and sweat. True beauty makes my heart heavy and i hate that. There is nothing worse than seeing someone with true beauty and knowing that they might have been yours at one point in time, but now there is no Chance. In my life i have only come across ten or 12 women and 7 or 8 men who possessed true beauty. I think of women with true beauty and think "my god if she was older, or if i was older, or if we didn't have something that would make it awkward in between us that would be the woman to save my soul" but unfortunately i do not think i will ever find the perfect one who is just for me, but in lieu of that i still hold out hope letting my life be trampled through by a seemingly endless addition of 0's.