Truth or Theory?

Today, I realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration — that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death; life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves... If this is true then why not enjoy it then release it, life that is? It is amazing what the human mind can create and conceive if the time and input is used.

These memories are mine but i cant remember.

She said isnt there anything i can do? I am sorry! Please forgive me! I will do anything!

How many of you have heard those words? How many women have made a mistake in a relationship or cheated on you and they sobbingly apologize and cry and snot bubble their way through that sentence? So what do you do; forgive them and then be bitter to them till you break up? Or do you turn to them and say "No."?

The Longer I am alive the more I see...

It seems as though humans are really just civilized until societies restraints are lifted, I mean really pure barbarism. And this includes myself, as does you my semi-loyal reader; just look at the way things are, imagine no government, no police, pure anarchy, what would you do, how would you live? Well i believe first and foremost a mixtured of gangs, feudal japan style families, and cave men sharing a cave would all be combined to make Clans that ruled the country or rather protected themselves from the less civil. Cannabilism would come back into style, murder and rape you betcha. The only way of some modicum of safety would be to join one of these Clans, other wise your dead meat, literally. And on top of that who is to say that within your own clan you would not be raped or abused? Remember, no laws, no dcfs, basically indentured servitude. But alas let us not for get my main point (for more on my views on anarchy in the Usa see my new book which should be available at bookstores everywhere in 9 years. assuming i am still alive to write it.) (and you are alive to read it....) But i notice that humans when coitus are fucking animals, i mean have you ever watched a woman getting her brains fucked out? She is pure animal and has no more thought processes or language abilities aside from the repeated word fuck or god or the likewise. As for males they completely lose it as well, myself i am one of the desensitized males who could care less about sex so while i am having sex i am thinking in my head about problems, what i am gonna have for dinner, taxes etc.... And get little to no joy out of the entire spectacle rather than to watch a woman make a buffoon of herself and lose face over a little orgasm.

Stan

About 1 33 a.m. I don't like being a douche or a selfish douche, maybe a bit of jackassery at times but sometimes you really need a close friend to ask you are you ok? Do you need any help? And really mean it; I dont mean bullspit like good morning that doesnt really matter and you say off of reflex, i mean a friend to really listen and ask Hey... Are you ok? Are you gonna be ok? Do you need anything, any help? I know that i have no place to ask, after all i have been a stubborn asshole who has refused help for the longest from anyone, but you never know when someone is at their wits end, when someone is at a point of no return and is gonna make a mistake they will have to deal with forever. Like murder for example, or suicide, Ha laughable but you never know when your friend has been waiting on you for hours getting drunk on the booze they were gonna give you and is holding a laptop bag containing the laptop they were gonna let you have, and also in this bag is the noose they tied to snap they necks soon after they relinquish their possessions to you. But of course, you have already hesitated to ask your friend for too long because they will say you are blowing things. Yea, nothing like blowing shit, but of course you are never taken seriously anyhow, so one can only wonder if the logical thing to do would be to show your friend that they should have asked. That they should have inquired, that it is too late because you have already made the biggest mistake of your life and if you dont rot in jail then your soul will rot in your conscience forever. Because you did not have the resolve to make the right decision on your own, you needed a friend to talk to and tell you whats what for once. You needed help, but they only lightly inquired once thinking nothing of it. But that shows what friendship is doesnt it? Well now its too late.
You know the song by Phil Collins, "In the Air of the Night"
about that guy who coulda saved that other guy from drowning
but didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a show he found him?
That's kinda how this is, you coulda rescued me from drowning
Now it's too late

I'm on a 1000 newports now, I'm drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call

Hey Friend that's my girlfriend gurggling in the bed
but I didn't slit her throat, I just poisoned her, see I ain't like you
cause if she survives she'll suffer more, and then the baby'll die too

True Beauty

Is it possible to live an entire life at least a 4 year relationship with someone in your mind? I sit and think about Alyson. I don't know why, i didn't know her at all, but it seems in my mind she and i dated for years. I use it to escape reality; I imagine that i am her boyfriend and that she loves me. Deathcab comes to mind, she was my savior in many ways even though she will never know it. She pitied me in a benevolent way, as i looked up to her from the cold tile floor and the sunlight danced with the clouds purposely shining on her making her look like an apparition. Something so little i sure she doesn't remember; but to me that was a key point in my life. She showed me that there is some good in the world and not just greed and self absorption. Although she ran back to her friends she took a moment out of her life to console me. I always was searching for a person like that, at least she is what i think i was looking for, although it might be an illusion of my mind. True beauty is something hard to find, both inside and out. i have seen it and i can tell when someone has it. She had it, do you? I have enclosed some pics of people who were willing to pose who have the inner light. I hope as my friend Sinn once pointed out that when the end of this world comes the light will shine and those with it shall don their wings.
If you hold the beauty i can sense it. And i know you will go to Nirvana.

Left hand Suzuki method. (violin)

Man.... Haven't watched T.V. in like 5 months; it's like quitting smoking or something. Once i got past the initial phase of quitting I never miss it. Can't take my mind off of my own wretchedness; I just think about all the plotting, all the mastermind schemes that no one will ever know of but me, no appreciation, no rep, no love from it all. All of this ridiculous plotting has gotten me no happiness, it has just made me lose what little personality i had, i mean i once was a can of seasoned salt, never bland. But now i am just flour and water paste like everyone else.

I constantly think about by self destructive nature, and about words once said to me by someone who i hope to not meet again for many years. "You set your self up for failure", truth, it really was; i believe there was a time when i masqueraded that it was an accident but as i got older and more apathetic i realize that i do it on purpose for a risk, a thrill, a power surge for a megalomaniac, myself. Now there are those who know me or think they do who would say that i would never do such things and those who think they know me who would say that those things are right up my alley but the fact of the matter is that these are all persona's, facades put on by some grand marionette-er pulling all of my different sets of strings. I always feel like this isnt really my body but just a game i am playing with this body, seeing how much it and i can take as if i once was a spirit that possessed this body and has forgotten that.

I never feel like this is my life i am enjoying, i feel disconnected like... I could just peel this skin and fat and bone and muscle off and underneath would be my true body, escape. But i know that that isnt the truth, is it? I am honestly disgusted with myself now; I always have looked down upon others with jealousy and usually for no reason, i mean sure some body looks a certain way or has money but the fact of the matter is if i wanted to look that way i can work for it, and if i want money i can work for it, but at the end of the day they will always be a fucking idiot. Thats something i have until i lose my mind which will more than likely be soon enough.

Minds, and Chimes

I just exited the shower; falling water always makes me think whether it is rain, showers, or a dripping faucet. How do we all live our lives and what do people remember about us? The crimes i have done and the good i have done; how do they weigh against each other? Even more so the crimes and wrong doings don't bother me as much as the things that i have been accused of yet am innocent of. And there is that; it seems that the things i have been accused of have laid a path for me to make them the truth. If you call an honest man a murderer enough will he eventually become one without realizing that, it was the reason in the first place, well not at least till it is too late. I have been called a thing so long i have become it; but i didnt mean to, my persona just adopted what enough people thought of it. I sit here and think "How many women have loved me?" i can think of at least a few or more. But then when did i love them back? I can think of a couple or more. But in love? Hah, i have vague memories of that. But ever since i was in love the one time maybe even twice since then it has been nothing more than a memory and a constant chase to find it again. Sure i have loved girls and women since then, but what is love? I believe it is that unrational caring for a person and their feelings & well being. But to be in love is fucking magical.


Here it is 4:38 in the morning and i am still up despite being weary. Constant thoughts and never ceasing mindless chatter in my mind, hoping to get a seat in the front row of my thought. Damn the past looks good looking back, all the breaking and entering, all the lust, passion and emotion. Hell some of these memories are only two or three days old, but then there is the boredom. The relationships that mean nothing, and empty I love you's and the empty i missed you. I am startled at the person i have become, but what do i mean by that? I feel as if i am not myself, like i am only someone looking out through these eyes holding a controller making this body move to better please it so it has a reason to go on another day. It is kind of surreal, and when i have those moments like browsing empty beautiful spaces with good vibes, holding hands i feel so alive, yet i feel so dead when i am fucking or kissing. It is like my body becomes purely analytical and i can't take the time to "stop and smell the roses" so to speak. But in life i actually do stop and smell rose bushes occasionally. Ha, life is funny, i am sure there are people out there like me but i am almost 90% sure if i met them i would hate them. It is so nice to be a Rook looking at the pawns but you get pissed when you see the other rook because you thought you were special and unique. And of course the anger only gets worse because there are others better than you such as knights and queens; but it is best to live in your little corner of the board and pretend that they dont exist because you rarely see them but eventually you do and have to face the truth that your ass isnt that special, just a little special but not the best special.

Melancholy, True beauty, Freshness

It seems as if there is nothing new in my life. Like a constant viewing of Deja Vu. No pleasant surprises apart from the sheer coincidence of chance or fate. I have heard every word spoken to me, it is all stale in my ears and exits their mouths like rancid stale breath of a corpse. With myself being an Undertaker's Apprentice I know all too well what that smells like. What sort of life is lived through boredom; it cause the necessity of eccentricity, so to get even a little flavor i have to resort to the ridiculous.

The only thing i find is consistently refreshing is the different kinds of people; they are all slightly or massively different. But i know that if i live long enough even they will become normal to me and there will be nothing new to expect. This sounds like and breeds apathy. Even now the most interesting in my life is something of my own creation. Wondering about myself becoming a father; it is too late to change anything we will just have to wait and see.

Sitting here, with Vicodin in my system, annoyed by the world, jealous of true beauty and despising those who flaunt false beauty proudly. True beauty cannot be taken away, it is something that comes from within; False beauty is something that can be destroyed with a bit of water and sweat. True beauty makes my heart heavy and i hate that. There is nothing worse than seeing someone with true beauty and knowing that they might have been yours at one point in time, but now there is no Chance. In my life i have only come across ten or 12 women and 7 or 8 men who possessed true beauty. I think of women with true beauty and think "my god if she was older, or if i was older, or if we didn't have something that would make it awkward in between us that would be the woman to save my soul" but unfortunately i do not think i will ever find the perfect one who is just for me, but in lieu of that i still hold out hope letting my life be trampled through by a seemingly endless addition of 0's.