Left hand Suzuki method. (violin)

Man.... Haven't watched T.V. in like 5 months; it's like quitting smoking or something. Once i got past the initial phase of quitting I never miss it. Can't take my mind off of my own wretchedness; I just think about all the plotting, all the mastermind schemes that no one will ever know of but me, no appreciation, no rep, no love from it all. All of this ridiculous plotting has gotten me no happiness, it has just made me lose what little personality i had, i mean i once was a can of seasoned salt, never bland. But now i am just flour and water paste like everyone else.

I constantly think about by self destructive nature, and about words once said to me by someone who i hope to not meet again for many years. "You set your self up for failure", truth, it really was; i believe there was a time when i masqueraded that it was an accident but as i got older and more apathetic i realize that i do it on purpose for a risk, a thrill, a power surge for a megalomaniac, myself. Now there are those who know me or think they do who would say that i would never do such things and those who think they know me who would say that those things are right up my alley but the fact of the matter is that these are all persona's, facades put on by some grand marionette-er pulling all of my different sets of strings. I always feel like this isnt really my body but just a game i am playing with this body, seeing how much it and i can take as if i once was a spirit that possessed this body and has forgotten that.

I never feel like this is my life i am enjoying, i feel disconnected like... I could just peel this skin and fat and bone and muscle off and underneath would be my true body, escape. But i know that that isnt the truth, is it? I am honestly disgusted with myself now; I always have looked down upon others with jealousy and usually for no reason, i mean sure some body looks a certain way or has money but the fact of the matter is if i wanted to look that way i can work for it, and if i want money i can work for it, but at the end of the day they will always be a fucking idiot. Thats something i have until i lose my mind which will more than likely be soon enough.