Minds, and Chimes

I just exited the shower; falling water always makes me think whether it is rain, showers, or a dripping faucet. How do we all live our lives and what do people remember about us? The crimes i have done and the good i have done; how do they weigh against each other? Even more so the crimes and wrong doings don't bother me as much as the things that i have been accused of yet am innocent of. And there is that; it seems that the things i have been accused of have laid a path for me to make them the truth. If you call an honest man a murderer enough will he eventually become one without realizing that, it was the reason in the first place, well not at least till it is too late. I have been called a thing so long i have become it; but i didnt mean to, my persona just adopted what enough people thought of it. I sit here and think "How many women have loved me?" i can think of at least a few or more. But then when did i love them back? I can think of a couple or more. But in love? Hah, i have vague memories of that. But ever since i was in love the one time maybe even twice since then it has been nothing more than a memory and a constant chase to find it again. Sure i have loved girls and women since then, but what is love? I believe it is that unrational caring for a person and their feelings & well being. But to be in love is fucking magical.


Here it is 4:38 in the morning and i am still up despite being weary. Constant thoughts and never ceasing mindless chatter in my mind, hoping to get a seat in the front row of my thought. Damn the past looks good looking back, all the breaking and entering, all the lust, passion and emotion. Hell some of these memories are only two or three days old, but then there is the boredom. The relationships that mean nothing, and empty I love you's and the empty i missed you. I am startled at the person i have become, but what do i mean by that? I feel as if i am not myself, like i am only someone looking out through these eyes holding a controller making this body move to better please it so it has a reason to go on another day. It is kind of surreal, and when i have those moments like browsing empty beautiful spaces with good vibes, holding hands i feel so alive, yet i feel so dead when i am fucking or kissing. It is like my body becomes purely analytical and i can't take the time to "stop and smell the roses" so to speak. But in life i actually do stop and smell rose bushes occasionally. Ha, life is funny, i am sure there are people out there like me but i am almost 90% sure if i met them i would hate them. It is so nice to be a Rook looking at the pawns but you get pissed when you see the other rook because you thought you were special and unique. And of course the anger only gets worse because there are others better than you such as knights and queens; but it is best to live in your little corner of the board and pretend that they dont exist because you rarely see them but eventually you do and have to face the truth that your ass isnt that special, just a little special but not the best special.