Eh.

Is it possible to live an entire life at least a 4 year relationship with someone in your mind? I sit and think about Alyson. I don't know why, i didn't know her at all, but it seems in my mind she and i dated for years. I use it to escape reality; I imagine that i am her boyfriend and that she loves me. Deathcab comes to mind, she was my savior in many ways even though she will never know it. She pitied me in a benevolent way, as i looked up to her from the cold tile floor and the sunlight danced with the clouds purposely shining on her making her look like an apparition. Something so little i sure she doesn't remember; but to me that was a key point in my life. She showed me that there is some good in the world and not just greed and self absorption. Although she ran back to her friends she took a moment out of her life to console me. I always was searching for a person like that, at least she is what i think i was looking for, although it might be an illusion of my mind. True beauty is something hard to find, both inside and out. i have seen it and i can tell when someone has it. She had it, do you? I have enclosed some pics of people who were willing to pose who have the inner light. I hope as my friend Sinn once pointed out that when the end of this world comes the light will shine and those with it shall don their wings.
If you hold the beauty i can sense it. And i know you will go to Nirvana.

It seems as if there is nothing new in my life. Like a constant viewing of Deja Vu. No pleasant surprises apart from the sheer coincidence of chance or fate. I have heard every word spoken to me, it is all stale in my ears and exits their mouths like rancid stale breath of a corpse. With myself being an Undertaker's Apprentice I know all too well what that smells like. What sort of life is lived through boredom; it cause the necessity of eccentricity, so to get even a little flavor i have to resort to the ridiculous.

The only thing i find is consistently refreshing is the different kinds of people; they are all slightly or massively different. But i know that if i live long enough even they will become normal to me and there will be nothing new to expect. This sounds like and breeds apathy. Even now the most interesting in my life is something of my own creation. Wondering about myself becoming a father; it is too late to change anything we will just have to wait and see.

Sitting here,annoyed by the world, jealous of true beauty and despising those who flaunt false beauty proudly. True beauty cannot be taken away, it is something that comes from within; False beauty is something that can be destroyed with a bit of water and sweat. True beauty makes my heart heavy and i hate that. There is nothing worse than seeing someone with true beauty and knowing that they might have been yours at one point in time, but now there is no Chance. In my life i have only come across ten or 12 women and 7 or 8 men who possessed true beauty. I think of women with true beauty and think "my god if she was older, or if i was older, or if we didn't have something that would make it awkward in between us that would be the woman to save my soul" but unfortunately i do not think i will ever find the perfect one who is just for me, but in lieu of that i still hold out hope letting my life be trampled through by a seemingly endless addition of 0's.

Its funny how everyone eventually

Has thousands of others who go through experiences that make them feel them same as others, in such a case song lyrics can apply to a wide variety of people.

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going no where
Going no where
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow
And I find I kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you

Transformers

I'm a transformer

I'm just being myself
Plus I gotta be me too
Silly of me to think that
I couldn't bring myself to be you

Ah, but behold there is benevolence
Behind this but don't stare though
Be careful 'cause I'll kill you
With kindness

That why I'm dressed quite neatly
'Cause it's easy and discreetly they seek me
And when they reach me and see me
They believe me completely

I'm a real live wire
If it's between me and you
I can transform, I can transform, I can transform
Without even trying

I can transform, I'll transform
I'm a transformer

Now I'm someone else
Now someone can be me too
Behold 'The Beautiful and Bold'
Everyday I wake up to be new

Oh, but it's simple but they still can understand why
I think I can, I think I can, I think I can or can I

I'm a microchip off the old block
You know not but I was a robot
And I sold Rock and you would get
For sho' shoot with a gold glock boy I rode pac

Something that you won't see again
What the hell might as well be a friend
I can transform, I'm a transformer
No telling who I will have to be again

Feelings wont go away

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinkin' in a moment that
Time will take them away
These feelings won't go away

So like.... This relationship.... Like.... I have never really felt wanted by anybody who i wanted also. Except A. But now that A is gone im like w/e but the memories and feelings wont leave me be. And if i dont keep smoking a pack a day i start to think without the nicotine and i find myself crying on buses and trains... Like WTF?!?!? Smoking numbs my emotions but it is something i am going to have to express but the only person i can express it to is the person it is about and A has the habit of blowing things off, plus that has ended. I am sure in A's eyes i am nothing. But i all wanted was for A to understand.

Nonsense

I just realized that people who have the time to twitter every 2 minutes about how they are wiping their ass really have nothing to do. A chicago tribune salesperson just called me and after repeatedly telling them that i am not interested they tried to force a delivery on me. When they asked "how will you get your local news?" i said internet and they tried to use the most Bullshit excuse about how the net doesnt have everything... YES IT DOES FUCKTARD!!! IT IS UNLIMITED!

Friday the 13th Best day ever

Well today is the first day of the rest of my life; I am free of childhood burdens today and have officially let that which does not matter, truly slide. I was stressing so much lately, but now I am walking around downtown smiling; really smiling, like not that fake forced smile that so very often appears on my face to please others. But now I have paid my debts to my cousin, my PS/2 keyboard adaptor is on the way, as is my e-cigarette so I will probably stop smoking when I get that. Goodbye cancer, my teenage best friend outgrew me some time ago and I clung to her, trying to make the present what the past once was, but yesterday I am relieved of her and the burden she or rather I put on my heart and soul. The girlfriend that I got pregnant and I disliked very much is no longer in the picture, and I am free of all ties to her, unfortunately for my would be child, they will not know the world but since she had a miscarriage though amazingly odd circumstance I figure this is fate giving me a second chance at free life. I start school In ten days, this time for real and legitimately and with no ego I can say that I will excel in my classes and probably will be the smartest one in my class if not the school. I plan to make it to the top of the Deans list with no effort. This is my life, finally it is MY life and I live for myself and not others, all this time I had been waiting on someone to save my soul and free me from myself and my problems, but you know what? From the outside looking in I seem carefree and without worry and that Is what I am now. The only money I now owe anyone is 2,500 dollars to my sham of an old college and that is down to that amount from 8,600 so that is excellent. Once I graduate and get work that 2,500 will be nothing whatsoever. I used to be such a gentleman, that is the person my father could never see and when I think of Ron I also think about my father because they are so similar, in fact I could believe they are one in the same Hahahaha. Now I am no longer worried about dating, or love, or sex. I have all that I need and need all that I have. My life is in a pupae state, I have evolved from the larva, and soon I will blossom and be free to fly where ever I want.

Wow I just made it home, today is really a lucky day, I hope I win the lotto lmao. I was called for a job interview while I was out Hahhaha LUCK! Beautiful! Thank god!

Hello there Boys and Ghouls.

Well Brain is turning to mush, i have no idea of the time or the day. It could be tues or sat and i have no idea. Can't remember the simplest things. having trouble doing simple multitasks. Getting the jitters. IDK if its nicotine or sugar or salt but something has got me on edge. Brain malfunctions are causing body malfunctions.

Hands shaking.
Constant suicidal thoughts
Find myself holding a blade at my wrists everynight, and every day wishing for a bullet to the chest. Constantly having to hold myself back from jumping infront of "L" trains. The nicotine helps alot though.

that is what i have been supressing for over 3 years now

But its not working as well and the symptoms are arising again.

Just to not have a racing heart and wicked mind

I am going through 15 cigs a day now

now i am normal but i am smoking like a gun

cant sleep, when i do i dont feel rested and my dreams are bizarre in a way like never before.

Although i havent had a smoke in about 17 hours and i feel perfectly normal and fine. I guess i am not as addicted as i thought.

My girlfriend lost the baby; some guys who live next door to her broke into her place while she was upstairs she didnt hear them and she ended up with bruised ribs. My daughter is gone and i feel.... So.... idk....

Most Nuns have a bad Habit.

So i am on this metra train, there are two adult girls sitting across from me, Caucasian, at least 35 and pathetic. They are talking about how some guy is no longer cute guess what, you are old he is old you are not in high school anymore! And they speak of their leg braces are high tech; neither is sporting a wedding band, they talk like little girls using old buzz words like cool and awesome. They talk of maybe getting a cell phone because because everyone texts now a days.

It is so sad watching kidults who were probably preppy bitches when they were young grow this old and not change. How sad, how stupid they are. OMFG one of them just exclaimed Oh MY GOSH! I think im gonna PUKE! Now they are talking about adding people on facebook Holy Shit cakes batman JESUS in A TACO how sad an aging single turkey necked sack of shite Kidult is.

Human life seems to be about Pursuit, of conquest, of perfection, emotions, status and pleasure.

Truth or Theory?

Today, I realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration — that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death; life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves... If this is true then why not enjoy it then release it, life that is? It is amazing what the human mind can create and conceive if the time and input is used.

These memories are mine but i cant remember.

She said isnt there anything i can do? I am sorry! Please forgive me! I will do anything!

How many of you have heard those words? How many women have made a mistake in a relationship or cheated on you and they sobbingly apologize and cry and snot bubble their way through that sentence? So what do you do; forgive them and then be bitter to them till you break up? Or do you turn to them and say "No."?

The Longer I am alive the more I see...

It seems as though humans are really just civilized until societies restraints are lifted, I mean really pure barbarism. And this includes myself, as does you my semi-loyal reader; just look at the way things are, imagine no government, no police, pure anarchy, what would you do, how would you live? Well i believe first and foremost a mixtured of gangs, feudal japan style families, and cave men sharing a cave would all be combined to make Clans that ruled the country or rather protected themselves from the less civil. Cannabilism would come back into style, murder and rape you betcha. The only way of some modicum of safety would be to join one of these Clans, other wise your dead meat, literally. And on top of that who is to say that within your own clan you would not be raped or abused? Remember, no laws, no dcfs, basically indentured servitude. But alas let us not for get my main point (for more on my views on anarchy in the Usa see my new book which should be available at bookstores everywhere in 9 years. assuming i am still alive to write it.) (and you are alive to read it....) But i notice that humans when coitus are fucking animals, i mean have you ever watched a woman getting her brains fucked out? She is pure animal and has no more thought processes or language abilities aside from the repeated word fuck or god or the likewise. As for males they completely lose it as well, myself i am one of the desensitized males who could care less about sex so while i am having sex i am thinking in my head about problems, what i am gonna have for dinner, taxes etc.... And get little to no joy out of the entire spectacle rather than to watch a woman make a buffoon of herself and lose face over a little orgasm.

Stan

About 1 33 a.m. I don't like being a douche or a selfish douche, maybe a bit of jackassery at times but sometimes you really need a close friend to ask you are you ok? Do you need any help? And really mean it; I dont mean bullspit like good morning that doesnt really matter and you say off of reflex, i mean a friend to really listen and ask Hey... Are you ok? Are you gonna be ok? Do you need anything, any help? I know that i have no place to ask, after all i have been a stubborn asshole who has refused help for the longest from anyone, but you never know when someone is at their wits end, when someone is at a point of no return and is gonna make a mistake they will have to deal with forever. Like murder for example, or suicide, Ha laughable but you never know when your friend has been waiting on you for hours getting drunk on the booze they were gonna give you and is holding a laptop bag containing the laptop they were gonna let you have, and also in this bag is the noose they tied to snap they necks soon after they relinquish their possessions to you. But of course, you have already hesitated to ask your friend for too long because they will say you are blowing things. Yea, nothing like blowing shit, but of course you are never taken seriously anyhow, so one can only wonder if the logical thing to do would be to show your friend that they should have asked. That they should have inquired, that it is too late because you have already made the biggest mistake of your life and if you dont rot in jail then your soul will rot in your conscience forever. Because you did not have the resolve to make the right decision on your own, you needed a friend to talk to and tell you whats what for once. You needed help, but they only lightly inquired once thinking nothing of it. But that shows what friendship is doesnt it? Well now its too late.
You know the song by Phil Collins, "In the Air of the Night"
about that guy who coulda saved that other guy from drowning
but didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a show he found him?
That's kinda how this is, you coulda rescued me from drowning
Now it's too late

I'm on a 1000 newports now, I'm drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call

Hey Friend that's my girlfriend gurggling in the bed
but I didn't slit her throat, I just poisoned her, see I ain't like you
cause if she survives she'll suffer more, and then the baby'll die too

True Beauty

Is it possible to live an entire life at least a 4 year relationship with someone in your mind? I sit and think about Alyson. I don't know why, i didn't know her at all, but it seems in my mind she and i dated for years. I use it to escape reality; I imagine that i am her boyfriend and that she loves me. Deathcab comes to mind, she was my savior in many ways even though she will never know it. She pitied me in a benevolent way, as i looked up to her from the cold tile floor and the sunlight danced with the clouds purposely shining on her making her look like an apparition. Something so little i sure she doesn't remember; but to me that was a key point in my life. She showed me that there is some good in the world and not just greed and self absorption. Although she ran back to her friends she took a moment out of her life to console me. I always was searching for a person like that, at least she is what i think i was looking for, although it might be an illusion of my mind. True beauty is something hard to find, both inside and out. i have seen it and i can tell when someone has it. She had it, do you? I have enclosed some pics of people who were willing to pose who have the inner light. I hope as my friend Sinn once pointed out that when the end of this world comes the light will shine and those with it shall don their wings.
If you hold the beauty i can sense it. And i know you will go to Nirvana.

Left hand Suzuki method. (violin)

Man.... Haven't watched T.V. in like 5 months; it's like quitting smoking or something. Once i got past the initial phase of quitting I never miss it. Can't take my mind off of my own wretchedness; I just think about all the plotting, all the mastermind schemes that no one will ever know of but me, no appreciation, no rep, no love from it all. All of this ridiculous plotting has gotten me no happiness, it has just made me lose what little personality i had, i mean i once was a can of seasoned salt, never bland. But now i am just flour and water paste like everyone else.

I constantly think about by self destructive nature, and about words once said to me by someone who i hope to not meet again for many years. "You set your self up for failure", truth, it really was; i believe there was a time when i masqueraded that it was an accident but as i got older and more apathetic i realize that i do it on purpose for a risk, a thrill, a power surge for a megalomaniac, myself. Now there are those who know me or think they do who would say that i would never do such things and those who think they know me who would say that those things are right up my alley but the fact of the matter is that these are all persona's, facades put on by some grand marionette-er pulling all of my different sets of strings. I always feel like this isnt really my body but just a game i am playing with this body, seeing how much it and i can take as if i once was a spirit that possessed this body and has forgotten that.

I never feel like this is my life i am enjoying, i feel disconnected like... I could just peel this skin and fat and bone and muscle off and underneath would be my true body, escape. But i know that that isnt the truth, is it? I am honestly disgusted with myself now; I always have looked down upon others with jealousy and usually for no reason, i mean sure some body looks a certain way or has money but the fact of the matter is if i wanted to look that way i can work for it, and if i want money i can work for it, but at the end of the day they will always be a fucking idiot. Thats something i have until i lose my mind which will more than likely be soon enough.

Minds, and Chimes

I just exited the shower; falling water always makes me think whether it is rain, showers, or a dripping faucet. How do we all live our lives and what do people remember about us? The crimes i have done and the good i have done; how do they weigh against each other? Even more so the crimes and wrong doings don't bother me as much as the things that i have been accused of yet am innocent of. And there is that; it seems that the things i have been accused of have laid a path for me to make them the truth. If you call an honest man a murderer enough will he eventually become one without realizing that, it was the reason in the first place, well not at least till it is too late. I have been called a thing so long i have become it; but i didnt mean to, my persona just adopted what enough people thought of it. I sit here and think "How many women have loved me?" i can think of at least a few or more. But then when did i love them back? I can think of a couple or more. But in love? Hah, i have vague memories of that. But ever since i was in love the one time maybe even twice since then it has been nothing more than a memory and a constant chase to find it again. Sure i have loved girls and women since then, but what is love? I believe it is that unrational caring for a person and their feelings & well being. But to be in love is fucking magical.


Here it is 4:38 in the morning and i am still up despite being weary. Constant thoughts and never ceasing mindless chatter in my mind, hoping to get a seat in the front row of my thought. Damn the past looks good looking back, all the breaking and entering, all the lust, passion and emotion. Hell some of these memories are only two or three days old, but then there is the boredom. The relationships that mean nothing, and empty I love you's and the empty i missed you. I am startled at the person i have become, but what do i mean by that? I feel as if i am not myself, like i am only someone looking out through these eyes holding a controller making this body move to better please it so it has a reason to go on another day. It is kind of surreal, and when i have those moments like browsing empty beautiful spaces with good vibes, holding hands i feel so alive, yet i feel so dead when i am fucking or kissing. It is like my body becomes purely analytical and i can't take the time to "stop and smell the roses" so to speak. But in life i actually do stop and smell rose bushes occasionally. Ha, life is funny, i am sure there are people out there like me but i am almost 90% sure if i met them i would hate them. It is so nice to be a Rook looking at the pawns but you get pissed when you see the other rook because you thought you were special and unique. And of course the anger only gets worse because there are others better than you such as knights and queens; but it is best to live in your little corner of the board and pretend that they dont exist because you rarely see them but eventually you do and have to face the truth that your ass isnt that special, just a little special but not the best special.

Melancholy, True beauty, Freshness

It seems as if there is nothing new in my life. Like a constant viewing of Deja Vu. No pleasant surprises apart from the sheer coincidence of chance or fate. I have heard every word spoken to me, it is all stale in my ears and exits their mouths like rancid stale breath of a corpse. With myself being an Undertaker's Apprentice I know all too well what that smells like. What sort of life is lived through boredom; it cause the necessity of eccentricity, so to get even a little flavor i have to resort to the ridiculous.

The only thing i find is consistently refreshing is the different kinds of people; they are all slightly or massively different. But i know that if i live long enough even they will become normal to me and there will be nothing new to expect. This sounds like and breeds apathy. Even now the most interesting in my life is something of my own creation. Wondering about myself becoming a father; it is too late to change anything we will just have to wait and see.

Sitting here, with Vicodin in my system, annoyed by the world, jealous of true beauty and despising those who flaunt false beauty proudly. True beauty cannot be taken away, it is something that comes from within; False beauty is something that can be destroyed with a bit of water and sweat. True beauty makes my heart heavy and i hate that. There is nothing worse than seeing someone with true beauty and knowing that they might have been yours at one point in time, but now there is no Chance. In my life i have only come across ten or 12 women and 7 or 8 men who possessed true beauty. I think of women with true beauty and think "my god if she was older, or if i was older, or if we didn't have something that would make it awkward in between us that would be the woman to save my soul" but unfortunately i do not think i will ever find the perfect one who is just for me, but in lieu of that i still hold out hope letting my life be trampled through by a seemingly endless addition of 0's.

Sex is where mankind went wrong.

I don't care if you believe in Adam and Eve or if you are a strictly evolution believer but you should agree with me that sex is where man/woman kind really went wrong. I know what you are thinking, i like sex, fuck you man. But hear me out, so first lets start with the majority, biblical; if adam and ever had not partaken of the fruit of knowledge then they would have never been banished, never started fucking and never procreated. Thus all of humanity would have not been created, but one is left wondering is that not what God wanted? I mean God is GOD afterall and is probably omnipotent knowing all past and future which of course brings free will into creation, but lets not get into that (save it for a rainy day). If you put two 3 year old children into a room full of toys and food and tell them not to touch the food on the glass table, really man what do you give it? Five, ten minutes before they are scrambling for the glass table and the forbidden food. But God must get bored and lonely. I mean shit if i was God i would create angels to ease my loneliness but angels only do what ever you tell them so how about creating humans so you will have a truman show-ish thing to watch forever.

I mean honestly Humans are the most interesting fucking things on the planet. Think about the late great George Carlins thoughts "Humans do some interesting shit." We are the only things on the planet that kill, steal and rape for fun; on top of that we do other weird shit, torture, prisons, laws, work, necrophilia, riots, build buildings and tons of other crap, so if I was God humanity would be an interesting galatic TV show. But all of this could have been averted had Adam and Eve not fucked, but that is what humans do after all.

Now for the opposing view. Evolution, fuck man we should not be here; we are a suicidal species that is destroying the planet. Oh man let me get a triple baconator whopper before i fuck this hooker with a cold sore without a rubber. We eat shit that kills us; i mean really, in the words of Doug Stanhope " You couldn't Micheal Vic a dog into taking a lick of pepsi but we love the shit" AWWWW man let me get more mayonaise. I mean FUCK the trash we eat and the violent ass raping that we do to this planet my god we should be fucking exterminated before some bullshit war starts and next thing you know we will be living in a nuked post apocalyptic wasteland.

On top of these reasons we are one of the only organisms on earth that enjoy fucking. Like seriously other species do it because they are instinctively driven to multiply. We do it because it feels good, but the problem with that is when something is good and you cant get it you do bad things. I have no problem getting laid, which is amazing to me considering i am a fat fuck, but i have a silver tongue in more ways than one. But i know when i want a soda and i cannot get it i flip out and kick the shit out of somebodies pet poodle or some shit. Now apply that same thing to sex and that is where you get all the rapists and repressed fucks who have been beaten into thinking sex is bad and become serial killers and you get the repressed Jewish guy whose parents had him on aderol and shit since he was 7 because they are crappy parents so now that he gets to college he becomes a fucking psycho who is probably gonna shoot up the school but all that could have been avoided if he just got laid or better yet if sex was never an issue then he would have something to feel insecure and inferior about. Now he will compare everyone who has sex to him and wonder why now one will make him feel good through sex, next thing you know Mr.Weinstein the 22 year old virgin is fucking going ballistic with a semi auto all through the fucking dining hall.

Random humans or are they?

Do you ever wonder about the people you see walking around every day? About who they are, what are they doing; acting like the rest everyone has something to do and somewhere to go. Follow around the right person and you will find that their day consists of nothing but random existence. Today's subject is a man of unknown racial origin, wearing black shoes, black socks, black pants, black shirt, black gloves, black hair, and more than likely black under garments; this man is wearing a trench coat and gloves despithte it being nothing more than a 75 degree cloudy summer day. I follow him around, at times he stands and stops in busy areas and crowded sidewalks for 15 min to 20 at a time and just looks at people. I know what he is doing, he is analyzing every person of interest he sees. This man is different from most people, in fact he is smarter than most and feels life more, i gaze at him from across the street. He looks like he can see the future of all those who he gazes at, and I notice when someone brushes agains him he winces as if a suddent torrent of mental strain or a migraine has come upon him. Yes, i know what is going on here he has the perception that so many others deny, he can feel the pain of the world. This leads me to believe that he must be insane by now, for no man could bear that pain and still live unless dramatic measures were taken.

Occasionally he reaches deep into his trench coat and people stare assuming he is pulling a gun out; but instead binoculars come out and he acts as an eagle or falcon in the midst of thousands of sparrows. Marking his prey and paying his attention only to them, ignoring all others. I notice that this man has an affinity for seeing people's inner truths, he only speaks to certain people with some sort of potential he can detect. I wonder if he can see their auras if you beleieve in such a thing. This man has been on the corner for 17 min gazing into nothing and everyone. He gets on the bus, i follow quickly at a red light and catch it, sitting on the bus hiding behind a newspaper, never looking even once at him yet his eyes have been burning into me the entire 45 min ride. Literally i wanted to jump up and scream and hug, kiss, and punch him all at once; this man somehow puts me at unease like he knows i have been following him but that is impossible. A woman with a crying child gets on the bus and sits opposite the man, the child bawls loudly and disrupts everyone on the bus. The man whispers something to the mother and the child suddenly stops crying and only sniffles, the man then preforms a magic trick for the child and the child is silent until the mother and the child exit the bus. The man has gone to a secluded area after making a few normal stops at quick-e-marts. He now carries a black bag holding his goods. I follow him making sure he never sees me to a beach with a single tree on it, the man goes under the tree and sits on a stone and begins to feed a squirrel dried nuts from his hand, he lights up a cigarette then yells extremely loudly yet somehow softly to come have a drink and a smoke. I stay frozen where i am he yells again but it seems like a whisper, i decide to run but my legs lurch forward and are drawn to him. I want nothing more than to leave but i find my self standing before him no more than 3 feet away. He tells me to sit and offers me a smoke a drink and conversation. The first words of the conversation started with him tossing me a coffee drink, handing me a cig by making it jump out of the box circa 1940's, then he somehow lights the cigarette in less than a second so i dont even realize it has been lit. The man says so, you have been following me since the train station, that is about one hour and nine miles ago, how may i inform you kiddo?

I promised to not tell of what we spoke about but i can assure you he was no normal person, he opened my eyes in a way that is indescribable, i had no idea there existed people who see and think how he does, almost a Buddha figure but if he heard me say that he would instantly denounce it. I cannot help but wonder what was his purpose for that day, why did he not busy himself with trivial tasks like we all tend to? He had the grace of ballerina and all the carefree abandon of a man told he has 30 days to live; yet he maintained a sort of regality reserved for royalty even though he assured me he is quite poor. How and why do these people exist? Are they like the rest of us? Or rather as Judaism would have you believe, they are some sort of Holy Beggar? I was told that people like him are all around but you must know how to spot them and usually they can only be spotted by others yet he told me that all of them are lonely because they hate each other and only can be understood by each other. I was told he has two brothers, i would very much like to find them and him again, if anyone ever see's this Large black man around Chicago please let me know. He told me he goes by many names but i could call him Thanatos